It’s really unfair. This fostering thing is so unfair. It’s so unfair and even more unfair that there are so few friends to talk to about what we go through. I had a fellow foster mom friend call me yesterday asking if 15 appointments in one month is normal for a child in foster care. Um, yes it’s foster care normal…just not normal for the normal. Today as I was struggling to just be a good mom in general with a teething toddler, bored 6 year old, and a hormonal 11 year old, I get an email telling me everything I need to get done in order to keep my foster license- a license we fight to keep even though it causes so much pain, no one else wants to do it, and we are treated like dirt when we have it in the end.

The list reads: (all things we have already turned in once by the way)

  1. provide current home liability
  2. provide current auto liability for all vehicles
  3. provide pictures of current car registration stickers for all vehicles
  4. current pet vaccinations
  5. complete financial statement form and provide 3 months of income
  6. update driving records
  7. sign online medical consent training signature pages
  8. need TB test for all family members
  9. need high school diplomas
  10. need birth certificates, SS cards, and immunizations records for biological children
  11. fill out paper work for criminal background check for the 14 year old now living in your house

The same day they ask for all this pain in my ass things, I get the text from my lawyer telling me that Dre’s bio mom is fighting CPS for her great Aunt to get custody of him.

Can we let that soak in for just a minute.

The state says:

“Here Mr. and Mrs. Zuniga, please take this child…this newborn baby boy…love him like your own and give him the best life possible all the while we march in and out of your home and tell you how to parent him and tell you how to live your life while he is under your roof…oh, you love him? great! but he is going back home to his mom because she took her parenting classes and passed 1 out of her 8 drug tests…ok, so we are coming to take him today after y’all having him for the last 6 months…

wait, wait, we made a mistake…he didn’t do well in that environment Mr and Mrs Zuniga so while you already have two other foster kids in your home, can you please take that first baby boy back that broke your heart when he left 3 months ago? you will? great! We know it’s late…its 1 am and I’m sure you’re asleep but get up, and stay up, we are bringing him to you now and you have mountains of paperwork to sign…just sign on the dotted line, sign your life and your heart away Mr and Mrs. Zuniga…(months go by)…

oh hey, I know you probably have your hands full but we don’t care, you mean nothing to us, we need you to do A B and C, and after that, we are going to do what we want with that child you adore and while we are at it, we need you to do D, E, F and G…ya, thanks…

ok, so the bio family is saying they don’t want you to adopt him because you’re white, yes, as in your skin color…are you an idiot? so the bad news…the judge isn’t really gonna be in your favor either because she is really really against black children being in white families so I mean, good luck with that b/c bio mom (though she doesn’t have a chance in hell at getting him back), she has more rights than you still and has a great aunt who has never met that kid you’re babysitting for us and she is black so she has a better chance at getting him…oh, her criminal background?no biggie… oh, she got denied her home study by CPS? oh, ya, that doesn’t matter either Mr and Mrs Zuniga and really that is none of your business…the mom’s lawyer hired by the state is going to court in Jan to fight CPS on their denial of that home study so she can hopefully get that child back with his family…his family he has never met but they are black and so they are just more family in our eyes than you are…you don’t like this? Well, Zuniga family, tough shit.” 

Add all this together, then add in just the every day struggles that every parent faces and tell me how we can keep doing this? People demanding so much from you and invading your personal life every single freaking day and then telling you that you mean nothing to them…you matter so little because we pay you a measly few dollars every month.

Do you see the injustice I struggle with daily? How can I keep doing this to myself? And having no one to really understand but a few good people God has put in my life? To not have a church behind you encouraging you to keep going and fight on, to not have an army beside you to remind you why it matters and why we should keep on? It is a struggle for me. It is even more of a struggle when my rights mean nothing to anyone after what we do day in and day out.

I want to give up. Almost weekly I say Im finished and I want to stop fostering.

But what I want doesn’t matter. God tells me after each negative thought about throwing in the towel to this crap and feeling lonely as hell…He says to me:

“Allie, I have carried you this far, I have opened this many doors for you, all so you can persevere in MY name. I am the great I AM. Who are you? Thats right…now let me kiss your forehead and send you back on your way…child, youre not even close to being finished with what I have planned for you and every single child I plan to save through you…so suck it up butter cup, wipe those tears from your face, and be that brave fighter I created you to be for MY kingdom darling, not yours.”  ~God~

got. it. yes sir.

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