I was hoping this would work. I was hoping by sitting down in front of my computer screen and putting my finger tips on these keys, that I would know what to start writing about and I would start getting whatever I needed to get out out and I would start feeling like myself again. Just like all my other “outlets” and interests, writing this today just doesn’t feel all that fulfilling like it always has in the past. I have used things like writing, painting, music and photography to free my mind of the constant thoughts…so many thoughts. Only recently did I begin to notice how unattractive it has all become for me…it all seems like just another job for me to do rather than “me time” for my brain to take a break…even in writing this, its more of a chore than that wonderful flow that used to guide these fingers on my keyboard as I would release it all out into the world word after word. Even now, I don’t even know what I am trying to say but Im just hoping so badly something begins to spill out from my sub conscience. You know how sometimes on your iPhone a message will pop up from Apple that says you are running out of storage and you need to update your storage bits sooner than later…that’s how my brain feels, but for the first time ever it seems almost impossible to find ways to “free up” some space to allow for more storage.
You know, I sort of wonder if God has me in this minor predicament because He is wanting me to focus on something I wouldn’t usually notice. Maybe He is wanting me to see something I wouldn’t usually notice, so He swiped my interests as to not distract me so I could focus in on whatever this is that He needs me to see so badly? However, an all knowing God would know how my brain works and so He would know that if my mind is at capacity, there would be very little else I could pay attention to until it was opened up to some vacancy. Im a feeler. I feel a lot…I think a lot and I feel a lot and there is just a lot going on in this world right now. Along with my annoying brain digesting every little thing, I have always been really “sensitive” to certain spirits, vibes, mojos (whatever you want to call it) and a lot of times I can’t even explain the things Im picking up on but I will look around and notice that noone else in the room is getting the feelings Im getting…it sounds crazy but it has been a very helpful tool in my discernments as an adult. All this to say, I’m feeling that tinge of alert in the air everywhere I go…I can’t escape it…and through prayer and time with the Lord, I know it’s the Holy Spirit trying to show me something …but I cannot find it…it should be so obvious because I know it is right there in front of me but I literally have just become one large dud in every area of my life that I consider myself “gifted” in…my gifts are null and void…all my strengths seem to be ineffective at this present time and Im not sure what to do with that.
Maybe its nothing but hormones. Maybe its just a phase I’ll come out of in a few days. Or maybe I will begin to see what it is I am supposed to see and that eye opener will then begin to fix all the rest…I don’t know. Im not sad, or anxious or fearful…Im just sort of annoyed with myself. Im exhausted going through the files over and over again in my head to see what Ive missed…I’ve missed something. There is something going on, to the magnitude of what “it” is-I have no idea, but as soon as I figure it out, I’ll be a free woman I can tell ya that much.