Ugly

I feel like I was tested by God and failed big time. I feel like on the outside I look one way but on the inside it’s a freaking mess…social media has such a beautiful way of making dirty look clean and messy look refreshed…

I have been called to the orphan since I was a tiny little girl. God spoke very clearly to me that I would take care of the defenseless. So on I went with His will for me…as confidently as I welcomed this precious baby in my home, I can confidently sit here and write that I failed at it. My first go round at the job God hired me for… I truly sucked at. On the outside, Im sure it looked really great… I had this beautiful ball of perfection in my arms and it looked like I was just an obedient daughter of the Lord. I wasn’t. I nurtured him and kissed him and gave him warm bubbly baths and sang to him and rocked him and fed him and changed him but all the while my heart asked “what about me?”…while realizing that I would have no time to do anything I needed to do that day, my heart grew bitter and I would smile and tell him what a beautiful boy God had created in him. While I fed him a bottle I would think about all the things I “should” be doing while running my fingers through his amazing hair with my other hand and smiling down at him telling him what a good eater he was. I was okay with the mission because I knew 100% it was what I was supposed to be doing but I was only okay with it when it fit in my schedule…ultimately, it was only going to work with me when it was convenient for me and when I didn’t really have to sacrifice much. ew. ew. ew. Today my first real chance at “my purpose” left my house a happy perfect well fed baby and I shut the door realizing that the true test had been my heart and I failed. badly.

I dwelled in self pity today only to have some chic try and steal some silly 15 minutes of lime light I had a year ago over a photo I had taken of a baby wrapped as a Whataburger taquito …”#whatababy”…an idea that was ridiculously genius but an idea that wasn’t even mine as it was the baby’s father who came up with it and we got a lot of attention for the photo and now this other photographer, out of all days, got some media momentum on her replica of our original photo. My flesh was ALLLLLL sorts of hot and bothered…. steaming irritated. ???? So let me get this straight…I completely missed the boat on my LIFE MISSION yet I allow something as shallow as this to bother me? again, another reflection at my heart…it’s all sorts of jacked up over here. Who cares about stupid Whataburger. I don’t. I don’t care about another photographer either really. I don’t care if someone steals from me as long as I don’t allow the enemy to steal my soul in the meantime. The world is flighty…it’s fickle…it’s hot and cold and it’s nothing to ever set my feet in and feel comfortable in. It lifts you up just to eat you, chew you up and spit you the heck out. the world is broken, beaten, and stinks with sin but Im going to sit here today and worry about it? I guess I just sat down tonight and realized what a horribly selfish person I am and how completely MISERABLE that feels. Fulfilling my needs doesn’t even begin to fill the cup of fulfilling the will of God WITH the heart of God while doing it! It’s not just being the hands and feet of Christ, it’s having the heart of Jesus in it all and I missed that part and although the baby was treated like a prince over here and everyone was happy and taken care of, I was left unfulfilled because I had an underlined theme of “what about allie”…so I guess I’ll throw in a pun of sorts here and say “Whatabrat”…had to be done…sorry…but seriously…I am a bit of a brat and that’s just not gonna work if I plan on living a life of substance.

This world is a lot of times falling a part it seems…it’s really just not time for me to lose focus of my purpose for there is an army I have no doubt that God is calling me to help build.

It is well with me God…it always has been…and Im sorry for the not so good first shot but Im so grateful that I’ll get a second chance to do it with a joyful heart…to do Your work better. You are a God of second chances, third chances, and so on… and my heart is grateful knowing that he will eventually come back for another stint at the Zuni house and my heart will match my arms as they open wide to embrace him…when I sit there and stare at his beauty, I won’t be interrupted with the thought of what else I should be doing but I’ll just marvel in Your amazing creation that You have allowed me to be a part of. He is such a miracle and I feel so honored to have him under my roof God…

The world can have their Whatababy hashtags, viral hits and scheduled work outs because I truly don’t want them anymore…nothing cures the thirst like the living water. Nothing fulfills my soul like my connection with You God and Im sorry that I tried to fill my bank with the counterfeit nonsense. The world is stupid…today was a perfect example of that…so thank you for showing me the ugly…now I know where to find the beauty.